Dead:

(I wrote this piece for an activity in a lesson, we were meant to make the reader feel empathy towards the charecter. I don't think I have achieved empathy but I still think that the overall piece could be quiet good, but I need help to workout what parts to change.)

It's dark. So dark I can't even see my hands before my face. The hair on the back of my neck stands up, eyes watching me always watching, never blinking, staring into my soul. Why? Why are they always watching me. Their eyes accusing me, condeming me. I try to find them in the dark, but I can't make out their faces in the swirling mass. Goosebumps run up alone my arms, as the shadows in the dark move closer. Silently slithering around me. Each second that they are near me streaches out for an eternity. I am so scared I cannot breath, their pushing at me harder and harder. Compressing me down onto the floor. Everywhere they touch me leaves me burning with cold, I can hear them whisper to each other but their words are lost on me. Their chilling laughter wraps around me. My mind is on fire, I try to scream but they force their way down my throat, stealing my voice before it has left my lips. I'm so scared. There is no way out, no way to escape. They push me down further and further. Until I'm falling, so quickly even the darkness blurs before my eyes. I can hear them above me screaming, searching for me. Like a writhing mass they come after me, their so close now I can see their eyes staring at me, blaming me.

I land with a hard thud. The shadows are gone, their eyes no longer watching. Ahead I can see my mum, she's crying. I run up towards her, but she cannot see me. I call out to her but she cannot hear me. I scream and still she cannot hear. Dismayed I look around, she's not alone, there are two other men with her. Police officers. My mother is hysterical now, she's begging them, telling them they've got it wrong. They just shake their heads and leave my mother alone, they'll be back soon they tell her. I walk up to her slowly waiting to see if she will notice me. 'Mum?' She looks up and just for a seconds hope fills me, she stares at and she smiles. She up and running towards me within a second. We're both crying now as we run together arms open. She runs right through me. Confused she looks around but this time she cannot find me, in her despair she colapses in a heap on the floor. I try to comfort her but a barrior keeps me away. I'm so confused, looking around a see a folder lying on the table. Walking towards it I can see the cover title. It's my name. Scared now I open up the file, dreading what it will read.

'The body was found late on July 16th, abandoned in an ally way behind the local night culb. The body was covered in multiple stab wounds and a post mortom showed that the victim died of sever blood loss and hypothermia. After cheaking the records the victim has been identified as,'

...me.